I have read in many discussion groups from men (mostly) that when they try to bring their fetish into their marriage or relationship, their wife/partner resists stating that the fetish is the object of desire and not the women or her body.

The male will explain that he sees her in fetish as some sort of enhancement that appeals to him, perhaps like the make up she might wear or the perfume or even the high heels she wears to look sexier. Why do females resist fetish attire so frequently? Do they feel that she is simply the rack for the rubber and not the object of desire?

Since one can't "make love" to a rubber suit, for example, a female has to be in there somewhere. So what role IS the fetish playing for the male who feels so keen about them?

Do they amplify the appeal of the form (ignoring the soul) and is this part of the "resentment"? Do they force to much attention of her body?

More questions to follow.

I think it is common for women to reject being turned into a fetish object mainly for three reasons:

1. The woman is most definitely objectified when she is used a fetish sex doll for the man's pleasure; i.e. the focus is on the man's pleasure, not the woman's, and this is most likely the reason for the resistance of objectification.

2. There would be no problem at all with #1 if and only if men knew how to have good sex. The sad truth is that most men, I think more than 70%, have no idea what to do with a woman, so the woman never really has good sex because the man is simply incapable of engaging with the woman on the level that the woman would need in order to be truly satisfied. I mean, if a woman is not having gushing and screaming orgasms, then she is not experiencing her sexuality to its full extent.

3. Because of problem #2, rather than wishing for the man to be better in bed, but giving up all hope that he ever can be -- because unfortunately most men cannot be taught how to be better sexually; they are either already very good naturally, or not. If they cannot figure out how to become good on their own, no amount of 'sex therapy' or 'kinky sex' will ever help them to become what they are not -- women who are unhappy in bed I think tend to crave the feeling of 'being loved' more than of good kinky sex, probably because she seeks comfort for the fact that the man cannot please her and satisfy her to the extent that would be necessary for her to become open to the idea of taking turns objectifying each other to enhance orgasmic pleasure.

There is nothing at all wrong with objectifying a lover for the purpose of outrageously good sex; humans objectify each other anyway during sex, so bringing fetishes in just heightens the objectification, and this can be very, very sexy when it is done well. Unfortunately, most people, both men and women, have no idea how to have good sex, and so, bringing objects into the bedroom ends up compounding the sexual problem further rather than alleviating it!

You raise an interesting thing I have observed about kinky sex, BDSM, fetish sex. There's hardly and sex there!

What there is, is almost and obsession with the arousal phase of sex... what gets you hot. It is rarely about any sort of engagement - as in having sex. When there is orgasm. 99% of the time it is masturbation or something like anal sex with dildos.

I suppose some people get hot enough from their kinky scene to want to engage in something that resembles "vanilla" sex, but this is rarely seen, hear about, written about, mentioned in the lit.

BDSM fetish seems to be all about getting turned on sexually often using others, or inanimate objects to perhaps get off "manually".

The chastity crew put sex on such a pedestal that they don't permit it.

And the xdressers are too busy getting aroused by acting a women to screw one like a man.

Some admit to having moved on from boring coital sex and see the sense play of BDSM fetish as more engaging.

SanderO, I think that on this topic, you are assuming that the purpose of sex is to have an orgasm. Sex, because it is a medium, like words, or like a canvas, can be used for many different purposes, not just to achieve an orgasm. Fetish sex is a very complex type of sexuality; it is very psychologically intense, there are many layers of meaning in fetish acts; not just for orgasm. In fact, sex does not need to include orgasm! Sex can still be sex, and even very satisfying sex, without reaching orgasm! This may appear to have contradicted my prior post in this thread, but it does not. If a person is sexually satisfied, either through an outrageously good, other-worldly orgasm, or through a profound, earth-shattering experience of intimacy; that is, an experience of the core of oneself through another, then the form and the end result, the orgasm, no longer becomes so important. Also, orgasms don't necessarily need to happen in the usual sense; they can be something long-lasting, without the obvious release; but rather a sustained tension for a prolonged period; that is also 'orgasmic'.

I'll come back to this thread later and explain more of what I mean, but the main thing to remember is that sex is not just for an orgasm, and that is why orgasm is not the focus in fetish sex, even though it may indeed end in orgasm; actually, fetish sex is better thought of as a type of 'sexualized' performance art rather than simply sex.

-Vekquin

Again we need to deal with meanings again including the purpose of sex and what is fetish sex.

While fetish sex may not look like "normal" or vanilla sex, it uses many of the body's same neurological responses, including primary and secondary sexual organs.

The human sexual response, as far as I know can be broken down into phases which blend into one another in a sequence usually with an trend to more intensity and involvement of brain.

Sex for most is a human need for those who have it, much like hunger or thirst. Both of these needs must be satisfied for survival, while in the case of the sexual "need" it provides for well being, and the satiation process is imbued with a physical pleasure sensation and emotional well being feeling.

The sexual "need/response" can be likened to the winding of a spring which loads it with pleasure, yet frustrating tension and stored energy which is released in the orgasm and a state of deep relaxation ensues.

The beginning is the slow winding of arousal. This can come from all sorts of places such as visual cues in the environment, media, erotica, pornography, daydreaming and fantasies. It can also come from tactile experiences such as from materials, or touching skin or hair or vibration.

Fetishists have a ball in this phase of the sexual response. In fact they put so much emphasis on the arousal phase they often ignore the rest of the human sexual response, the point of no return, the orgasm and the post orgasmic state of deep relaxation.

Actually each phase is compelling for different reasons. Who doesn't relish that state of blissed out relaxation where you feel no physical or mental stress?

Or the explosive power of an orgasm which rocks your body from within in a magical way where you feel you have no control over the pleasure coming from your own body.. a pleasure so strong that it shuts off your mind from thinking about anything else but the orgasm - the ultimate consciousness/attention grabber. And all orgasm are not equal and so understandably people want the maximum orgasm - either duration or intensity or both!

And who can resist the seduction of rising excitement of erotic arousal. This can be extended almost endlessly and can involve almost an infinite number of channels mixing together. It can be driven by your own purposive behavior, or directed onto you by a partner willingly or unwittingly. It can be both from without and within. And sexual arousal can come from the oddest places - materials, shoes, fragrances, hands, movements, sounds and of course seeing "sex" can be and often is part of the arousal phenomena. Whatever are your triggers they can be played to wind up your erotic spring tension.

You don't need to go to orgasm but when you wind it so tight you reach the point of no return. You can accept not more tension on the spring - only the release of the accumulated tension. It's that point at the top of the roller coaster. You poise there for and instant then plunge.

The part of the HSR where you can get creative and expansive is the arousal phase. There is where BDSM and fetish live and focus. They know it all leads to orgasm, but that is so common, immutable, even uniform for almost everyone. It's the arousal where our individualism and creativity can find expression. Except that we are now in the copy cap mode of a genre-icon-driven vernacular. It's just the new fetish vernacular we respond to... that we're enslaved to and haunted by.

And let us not forget how human psychology is expressed in all of this.

It gets complicated doesn't it?